


My XOXO Divorcelet

by M3Gnificent



Category: XOXO Droplets (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, First Person Perspective, Gen, No angst here, Reader-Insert, Strong Language, fake divorce, grievous abuse of a baby doll, metaphorical car crash, metaphorical desecration of cultural monuments, reader is JB, seriously i curse like a sailor even in my writing, shitpost, this is a joke fic, this isn't very in character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-23 18:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19707445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M3Gnificent/pseuds/M3Gnificent
Summary: JB's tired of her sham marriage and she's ready to end it. But when the Law(son)'s not on her side, what ever shall she do?





	1. My Super Divorce

It was a school day like any other: forgettable and dull, the sort only brightened by the slightest whiff of drama. It was a shame, then, that the boys were being unusually well behaved. Everett’s only called me a “stupid bitch” twice this whole meeting! Which, for him, is downright angelic.

Thankfully, Lynn’s off handling some bullshit I didn’t care enough to listen to. If I were to make a quick guess, Rex probably got his face busted again for pissing off the wrong person. But, you know, this story isn’t about Rex. It’s about the seven people in this school who actually matter. Most importantly, it’s about me and the bomb I was about to drop on these bitches.

“Nate, honey, I want a divorce.”

The previous arguments swerved and crashed into the Great “What The Fuck” Wall of China, dying horribly in the explosion. The only survivors were a shocked silence and the bulging stares of my adorable groupmates.

Surprisingly, Everett was the first to recover. “JB, what in the actual fuck?”

“Everett, language!” Nate, now recovered from the shock, had to ask... “ _JB, what in the actual fuck?!_ ”

Ignoring Bae’s snickering and chiming in before Everett could dig back at Nate, I said with a smirk, “I. Want. A. Divorce.”

“But we’re not even married.”

“That’s irrelevant.”

“Wooooooow, duckie, that’s suuuuuch a big word for you. Keep it up and I might have to pay you a gold star~” 

Bae thought he was being cute, but the best response to this kind of thing is to just roll your eyes and ignore it. Eventually he’ll simmer down and go back to doing what Anti-Christs usually do. You know, satanic rituals and sippy cups or some shit. Maybe lawyering? I don’t know and I don’t really care.

_A N Y W A Y_

“She’s talking about that stupid baby project.” Jeremy chimed in, not nearly as annoyed as he was playing himself off to be. I’d bet if Pran didn’t hate the smell of popcorn so much, Jeremy’d be snacking his way to a cushier ass right now. They wouldn’t share even if Pran didn’t give a shit, however. I mean, Pran hates sharing. Jeremy’s so squeamish that he’d faint even if you so much as touch the plastic. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Didn’t mean Pran wasn’t munching on some granola like it was popcorn, though. He got away with it too because nobody really notices Pran. Except me, because apparently I’m the only one who knows what a prime hunk of man looks like. But hey, that’s neither here nor there.

Letting out a long suffering sigh, Nate tried to explain, “This again? Ugh, this is a school project, not an actual marriage. I don’t exactly want to work with you either, but we don’t really have a choice.”

“Bae, you’re my lawyer now. Get me out of this sham marriage.”

“I’m not playing along with this silly little game, starfish. It’s beneath me.”

“My dog is about to have puppies. I’ll send you pictures if you save me.”

“What makes you think you can bribe me?”

“I’ll let you pick and keep the cutest one. Spare me the sass and you can have two.”

Bae, suddenly stony faced as can be, turns to face Nate. “Both you and my client here are under the age of eighteen. By California law, your marital partnership is legally void. Furthermore, even if that weren’t the case, you won’t so much as hold her hand. Nobody’s going to believe you’d ever consummate your relationship. JB is free to go.”

Nate, ever so flummoxed, tried to explain, “B-but the baby pro-”

“That’s not a baby, Nate, it’s a doll with a tamagotchi down its throat.”

At this point, unable to deal with the pain of getting divorced, let out a feral banshee scream and stormed off towards the door. “I’ve had enough. _I’m leaving!_ ”

Bae then turned to me, his severity unwaning. “So, about my payment…”

“I’ll pay you in gold stars.”


	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath

“And _thaaaaat’s_ why Nate and I are no longer on speaking terms.”

Missy was wiping away tears from the laughter, but Alicia wasn’t so convinced.

“JB, there’s no way that actually happened.”

“Pfft, how would you know?”

“We’re in the same class, dummy. I saw you using your baby doll to play catch with Rex. It flew out the window and shattered.”

“Sounds fake, but okay. It was so long ago I don’t blame you for forgetting.”

“JB, it was literally yesterday.”

“Ugh, fine, you big spoilsport. My F and Nate’s A averaged the project grade to a C. He still hasn’t forgiven me for it.”

“Oh my god that’s even better!”

“Shut up, Missy.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thus be the tale of why nobody should ever let me write anything. I'm not sorry for wasting your time either, lmao


End file.
